He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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