her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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