you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
