you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
