my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just want to make out with him forever
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
