Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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