If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
