I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
