apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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