Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
