You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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