i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
