You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
