id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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