They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
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Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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