I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
