Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
