I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
