remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
