i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
