I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
