note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
FUCK WHALES
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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