I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
