ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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