The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
