she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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