be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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