i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
