fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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