I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
