____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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