I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
