I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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