I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
