The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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