We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
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YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
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He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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