i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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