All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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