Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
