Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
