If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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