My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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