hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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