I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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