I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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