i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
What a dumb baby whore.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
