Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Randomize
