my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
