how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
