if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
