When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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