I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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