you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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