Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
