I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
